Swoosh's Blog: funny

Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Monday, October 8, 2018

Friday, June 10, 2016

For most of the time it's a bit like having a sensitive ball of flesh attached to your front. Think of having a small boob in your crotch area. You can feel it's there most of the time, but it's not something you think about. When it's flabbing about freely it feels more... complex. What is usually restrained in your pants is now like a boob octopus that will flail around if you move too fast. I'm pretty sure the first piece of clothing we invented was the loincloth to help us run and move without fearing that the dick would slam into our balls. That said, its hardly ever in the way. Just like the vagina is lower than most guys expect, the dick is upper than most girls expect.

Now, when the dick decides it's going to fuck something, never mind the social or physical situation you are in, it gets a mind of its own. You can trick it, but you can't control it. In fact, it controls you. Lets continue with the boob analogy. Tighten your thighs and feel them. Do you feel the muscles, how hard they are? Imagine if the fleshy glob of fat that is your immaculate boobs suddenly turns into that. And your nipples become oh so sensitive and large. And then imagine those boobs in the shape of a dick in your crotch. In your pants. At your grandma's house. Where you are hosting a wake for you grandma. And you are delivering a speech in front of your family. You feel embarrassed, not horny. But your stupid stupid dick saw all those crying women in front of you and decided that, yeah, this is a worthwhile fetish. So now you are hoping to god that the creases in your pants are hiding your dick.

Let's take this analogy further, we're all pretty uncomfortable by now. Lets imagine this muscle boob with sensitive nipples in the shape of a dick and yourself have managed to coax a female of your species into copulating. God knows how you did that, your genitals sound more monstrous by the minute. But here you are, you're both naked, she's conveniently naked and ready, and you are sporting what you hope is at least an average dick. You're not gonna win any awards but whatever.

Your penis is now in charge. And it wants one thing. To be inside that other person. And it will not stop until it is there. Nirvana awaits, why the hell aren't you inside that person!? Okay so now you are inside that person and it feels amazing, tight, wet, so varm and just all around great. Except your penis still isn't happy. It demands stimulation.

Female and male orgasm are very different, obviously. Sure we have the same nerve endings and whatnot but most women can attest to that they don't orgasm every time, and sometimes it's fine not to orgasm(insert jokes about small dicks, inferior men and insults to selfish men here). To the dick, not orgasming is not acceptable. It's like the terminator, it must complete it's mission. There is no enjoying the "journey" for the dick. The dick is on a one way track to orgasmville, population 100 million kids. The dick doesn't care if anyone else joins him on the way to the orgasmville, if they do, that's a bonus.

Your selfish boobmuscle is getting most of the simulation from it's nipple. That's basically the only spot and the key is making that spot happy. When you find the right rhythm you start to feel a strange burning situation in the taint. This is called the vinegar burns and indicate that you are going to come. You will ejaculate now, there's nothing anyone can do to stop that. Once you've reached this point it's kind of like being able to chose a rollercoaster. You can pump away and reach some kind of nirvana esque experience as you feel yourself drain away into the other person through your boobmusclenipple. You can also ejaculate without orgasming, which is just a waste of time and effort. But the vinegar burns tell you that the journey is almost over and your penis and yourself are very happy.

At that point your dick sort of dies. It'll stay hard for a while but it's powerless to control you. And its that moment, right after sex, as you're getting your breath back, you begin to understand how this retarded muscle hanging in front of you controls every aspect of your life. How everything you do is an extension of his need to be inside other people. It feels comical. It feels insane. You start to wonder if you wanted to go to college or if your dick just wanted to try out other people's bodies, you begin to question your life choices, you start to wonder how every single man is driven by their dicks and how the entire male world is just a relentless race to find people to share their strange muscles with.

And then your dick starts waking up again and begins preparing for your next excursion.

And that's what's having a dick is like.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Frustrating versions of everyday objects

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Military

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Sex ed

source: Playboy.com

Sex Ed is ALWAYS uncomfortable, and usually hilarious. I remember my Sex Ed teacher, who was a woman in her 70’s, answering a question with “You can’t get an STD from a salad bar. Unless of course, you are having sex on the salad bar.” Here are some other weird/hysterical Q&A’s from the world of sexual education.

1. Only if you do so in Notre Dame

I taught sex ed when I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in West Africa. A Red Cross volunteer and I did a Q&A session with the middle and high school kids. Best question, by far, was, “If you have sex with a girl on her period, will you become a hunchback?”

2. Dogs aren’t the only ones

I teach 11,12 year olds. Common interests are twins and abortions, but the best have included: “Please explain a gang bang,” and "How come when two dogs have intercourse they look bored?”

3. There’s always one comedian

I passed out the diagrams of all the fun parts and one girl just blurts out “Holy shit!! I have 3 holes?!?!” And one of the guys answers, “I could have told you that.”

4. Where do they hear these things?

My first student teaching placement was in an inner city 7th grade. I was asked, “Can your sister get pregnant if you masturbate on the toilet seat?” And, “If a girl gets pregnant from a blow job, will the baby come out her mouth?”

5. She seems to have a little too much experience

Was teaching a group of 8th grade girls and someone asked, “Why do guys always want to cum on your face?” Which I suppose is a fair question.

6. Guys will go to such great lengths to have sex with someone

One kid asked, “Mr. Teacher, if I have sex with Jake, and Jake has sex with Alexis, does that mean I had sex with Alexis?” He was dead serious. At least he learned the transitive property.

7. As long as they wear their magical underwear, they’ll be fine

I got an email from the wife of a straight Mormon couple that read: “My husband and I love anal sex. But we are concerned. How long can we continuing doing it until one or both of us gets AIDS?”

8. That’s how it’s supposed to be

I had a young lady come up to me and tell me that every time she had sex it felt like the first time – painful, and difficult. She let me know that her boyfriend also had trouble entering her.
ME: Well, are you aroused beforehand?
HER: Yes.
ME: Okay, good start. Are you wet enough?
HER: (scrunches up her nose) Yeah.
ME: …the way you respond is making me think that you don’t like this…
HER: I get sooo wet. It’s really gross, we make sure to wipe it all off before we have sex so it doesn’t get everywhere.

9. If only it were that easy

A guy in my class legitimately believed if the girl was on top, she can’t get pregnant. Said it with pride.

10. What did you think it was for?

A middle school boy pulled me aside after a sex ed class and asked whispering: “Mr. Dingus… what happens if you get a boner DURING SEX??” I told him that’s what boners are for. A look of ultimate understanding and clarity dawned upon him. I felt good.

11. Probably, if it’s long enough

Some 9 and 10 year olds that I taught got a bit hung up on pubic hair, and wanted to know if it was possible for 2 peoples' pubic hair to get tangled up together during sex.

12. What the hell is this mother’s objective?

I got, “My mom said that you can only get pregnant on Sundays after church. And you have to be married for at least 90 days. And you have to be at least 25. And you can’t have any alcohol because alcohol takes away your baby eggs.” This was a high school junior. I worry for her.

13. This sounds somewhat credible

Earwax sizzles if the girl has STDs. This myth seemed to be going around the public high school. To check if it’s safe to not use a condom, stick your finger in your ear, then covertly slip it inside the girl. It’ll fizz like Pop Rocks if she has any STDs.

14. What’s going on in her belly button?

Had a girl in high school that thought that tampons went in your belly button.

15. Either he’s hilarious…or horribly misinformed

During sex ed, a 7th grader just blurts out, “There’s been a rumor going around that girls don’t have penises.”